Improptu has been the theme for this weekend, and if you know me, I don’t Really enjoy planning, I prefer riding the ebbs and flows of time.


Saturday

Texted DB to grab a drink and he agreed. We talked and time escaped us without notice even though we sat for an hour and a half it felt like 20 mins. I was skeptical to hang out with him at first because he was 39 and I did not trust his intentions. I ignored him and he continued to persist into what I let become Saturday night. To say that I am very curious about him would be an understatement, and he knows it, which I also find very strange. As we spoke of numerology he said something along the lines of his character being known to add confusion and that he knows I was confused about him persisting to hang out with me. He also told me this really interesting story of the parallels between him and this Indian God. An Indian God who walks with a limp because he has one foot in this world, and the other in the spiritual world, and who confuses or tricks, but not to be malevolent. He did my numerology and told me that based on my birthday my number was 5. Which represents balance, the center, and change. He is as mysterious as the night on which we met.



Sunday –So a women walks into a strip club

So my guy friend invites me to go to this Holiday banquet with him, and that was cool.
Talked
Laughed
Mingled
Danced

It’s time for the raffle, which is the main event. They were giving a way Flat Screens, laptops, DVD Players, Wii’s, so together we are hoping his numbers attached to a big screen. What is it about guys and Huge TV’s? So I try to throw some positive energy and thoughts in the air by telling him that his numbers lucky.

As walks back from the prize table, I notice that the box in his hand is to small and portable to contain any expensive prize. He got a Sanso MP3 Player. I’m already laughing at Him, and he’s smiling to, all defeated. We laugh even more about it because in the car we had discussed how he had told me a while ago he was going to buy me a music player, and now I got one. Yes, he gave his Sanso MP3 player =)

After the raffle the party starts to clear out, but the night is still so I suggest we go get a drink somewhere. We drive to our presumed next destination and while we are driving he mentions that there is this strip club not to far from us. I say, “Let’s Go!” He looks at me, completely surprised, “Are you serious dude?” I say, “yeah, let’s go, I never been to a gentlemen’s club.” He’s takes it in. “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” We high five each other, turn up the music and drive on. Lol! He had never been to a gentlemen’s club either.

We walk in the club, and one of the bouncers asks us if we’ve ever been there. We say no, so he gives us a tour of the club- which includes showing us the different rooms and pricing. He’s talking really fast, “she could take u to Mexico, I don’t know what goes on in here, we charge you as one person even though you’re a couple, 300$! Blah blah kah ba ta.” I wasn’t really listening. We turned the corner into one of the rooms and there is this completely nude girl on top of this guy.

After the tour, we head over to the bar for some drinks. We grab two long islands and mosey on over to a seat in front of the stage. The girl dancing had some huge tata’s. Each girl would dance to a song, then the next girl would come out in her costume and get completely naked on the stage. We’re sitting down, drinking, laughing, evaluating the girls dancing skills, and techniques. We squeezed butts and me and my friend felt fake breasts for the first time. All these girls, all different sizes and shapes, they were like moving peices of art, and this was a most enjoyable exhibition.

Most interesting thing of the night was, how much I got Hit on by the Girls. I turned to my guy friend, “dude, I’m picking up more chicks then all you guys in here.” He’s like, “I know, you girls are so weird, always liking each other.” These girls would come out, and make eye contact with me, and then dance for me. This girl comes up to me while she is on stage and tells me how pretty she thinks I am and then she grabs me and kisses my neck. Later on in the night, one of the strippers walks by us and then she comes up to me and tells me I’m pretty, and I tell her that I thought she was hot and then she puts her arms around me and feels my Boob! LOL. She also told me that she wanted me. My guy friend is like, “maybe its cus they don’t see to many girls here.” I don’t know what it was but that was how much of the night went. I felt a strange affinity towards these girls. Not sexually, but they were all so nice, and most of them were all Very beautiful, and they kept coming up to me telling me how beautiful they thought I was, which I did not expect. I felt like these girls could be my girlfriends, I was oddly comfortable with them. I would hit the mall with these girls.




“She told me herself that she had no morality-and I thought she had, like myself, a more severe morality than anybody.” -Nietsche

So my guy friend decided that he was going to take one of the girls to the back for a private lap dance. We debate over which girl to take back. We decide not to go with the girl who told me she wanted me, (even though I thought we should lol ) because she might not pay enough attention to him. So we decide on this thick-mixed girl, she looked like she was black and Filipino or something. Another black guy with an Asian fetish. Not going to lie, she was hot though. I don’t know why I always assumed that strippers would be ugly. So we go to this back room. Before she begins, we have a brief discussion and introduce ourselves she tells us that she is 34, has been dancing for 16 years, and has two kids. She asks how long we have been married. I tell her that we are just friends, and she's surprised. I guess guys don't often bring a female friend with them to a strip club...lol My friend gets his dance (insert explicit description here) and I watch. Then we leave.



So how do I feel about the morality of it? Not sure yet because I actually had a good time. In my opinion, they also seemed to enjoy what they did. It seemed like every girl we talked to had been stripping for years. They seem to laugh and taunt these men who they can make lose their control, or money, over some breasts in their face for a couple of seconds.

"I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation, where we will sparkle in the heavens forever."-Amy Tan



It’s been the longest day of my life and I can’t wait to call him.
Bearing my soul on the nightly to my knight who is always willing to abandon his thoughts in order to take on my own.
Battling all instincts to judge and exert Ego he is silent.

And as he abandoned his Self, out God would come and I came to him weary and overburdened and found rest.

I became attached, My sense of self became dependent on his every thought and action.

If he left me, it must because I was not good enough, and no one could be more passionate about love then me. I would never not do enough. I would be everything he needed, and so therefore he would never leave me, because he would never want to.
.
Yes, he satisfied some of my insecurities, or so I thought.

What is Love?

I think I love him, but then why am I always thinking of myself. Who is this “I” that loves? That is always questioning whether I would give my life for him?

Passing him my bifocal lenses, if he could NOt see that Love was the way I loved him, then he does not know how to love!

I told him that love was being Self-Less but when he came to me because he needed to talk, I didn’t listen because I could not abandon My Self/ My own thoughts.

Thoughts speaking so Loud, “what should I say to him?’ “ Will it be enough?” “Why is he always so sad?” does he love me?” “I have to respond with something really profound?” “I must make him happy, because I must be the best girlfriend.”

His every word sparking thought after thought. My mind was loud and so I could not listen to him with my soul like he often listened to me.

All his thoughts were stopped at My Mental Gate, and I judged, most of the time internally (until we got into an argument).

I very seldom abandon my Self.


"It is essential that our love be liberating,
not possessive. We must at all times give
those we love the freedom to be themselves.
Love affirms the other as other. It does not
possess and manipulate another as mine. . . .
To love is to liberate. Love and friendship
must empower those we love to become
their best selves, according to
their own lights and visions." -John Powell



He once wrote that he wanted a bitch, not in a derogatory sense but the female dog. People Love their dogs, and pets can teach us a major aspect of love. Pets are Self-Less, they have no concepts of Self as far as I know. They have personalities but no created Self like humans create.

Within the animal is the Voidness where Love can rest Freely. Free of barriers, gates, judgments, expectations, possessiveness, jealousy, and all other things u find in superficial bourgeoisie love and relationships. I should have been his bitch like he was my Bitch and surrendered to love and accepted everything. I should have been still. I should have been more silent. I should have listened. I’m sorry I didn’t listen.

In the end, We were both amateurs at Love.

Everytime I look up a video on Youtube dealing with ANY type of Black issues or just involving a Black person, it could be a Beyonce music video, or even when I'm reading the newspaper online, both medias which allow you to leave comments, there seem to be a number of comments that are Purely Racist. For a while now, I have just assumed that it was just the mentality of a racist person, with an obvious insecure complex to have to leave such ignorant comments, and that intellectuals no better than to engage in any racist debate over the web, yet the prevalence of this racism over this web space is just to much sometimes. I thought it was a just a select few on ego trips taking advantage of the option to INCITE a group of people, yet there seem to be more and more comments- more than a few.

Why do I read them? Because sometimes I have a genuine interest in the opinions of the people, sometimes commenters provide helpful information or details on the issue I"m looking up.

It makes me wonder if all these racist bigots really do exist out there, and if they have become comfortable cowardly hiding behind their computer screen's and expressing how they really feel free from people's judgements and reactions.

It is not only racist comments by whites, but by black people as well.

What's the deal?


"Racism is an excuse, and a biproduct of capatalism" -Fred Hamptom.

i feel like the people are asleep. Meanwhile, I am tossing and turning.